What is neurodivergent masking and how do you know when it’s happening?
My husband likes to tease me that I’m the Mayor of Boulder. This is because I am a natural networker. I like making connections. When I get into a large group, I go into what we might call my Mayor mode—I am connecting and connected, introducing people to each other, tracking the whole group and the individuals, and making people feel comfortable.
However, after one of these gatherings, we frequently have a conversation that goes something like this:
Husband: How was that for you? You looked like you were having fun!
Me: It was horrible! Why did we stay so long? I’m so exhausted.
Husband: Well that’s confusing. When I looked across the room several times, you looked great.
Me: Maybe, but I felt stuck in interactions and wanted to get away. I’m peopled out.
What’s really going on here?
As a neurodivergent person, identified later in life, I am learning that modes I thought were me—like the Mayor mode—are actually unconscious defenses. It’s not that the Mayor mode isn’t a part of me, or isn’t even a great skill. I am great with people, and enjoy being great with people. It’s just that it is a learned way of navigating overwhelm. It is a mask.
One reliable indicator of masking for me is my energy level. If something is depleting for me, that’s a good clue that I’m using masking to get through it, even though I am not always aware I am masking in the moment. Defenses can arise automatically in the face of threat, often without conscious awareness of that threat, nor awareness of the defense. If I pay enough attention, sensations of masking for me are habitual muscle tension, a forced smile, and restricted breathing. I don’t feel fully alive, but rather, like I am getting through something.
We born-female neurodivergent people may mask more readily than others. The drive to belong socially may be especially strong in many born-female people. That drive to belong may at times feel at odds with the drive to be authentic. This is especially true in a place of developmental need: as little people, we play with the tension between having an authentic self and belonging to our people. When these (equally important) developmental drives are at odds, we may prioritize belonging over being authentic. This prioritization would be another definition of masking. When we are young, masking can be an adaptive response to an environment that isn’t designed for people like us. However, masking can become a well-worn and unconscious habit that has high costs. I like to say masking isn’t wrong, it is just expensive.
Now that I understand how expensive masking is to my system, I consider social opportunities differently. Do I have enough juice for this big expense? Is it worth it? This decision making is not unlike deciding how to spend money. Occasionally a big spendy item is totally worthwhile. But on an average day, with the various demands on my “budget”, an energetically expensive item is often not worth the cost. Self compassion allows for me to stand by whatever “budgeting” decision I make without regret.
